It is with a heavy heart that I must hereby announce the cancellation of Pinkie’s prestigious Beet of the Week Awards Program™ due to the effects of Sequestration.
It has not been suspended. It has not been delayed. It has not been postponed. It is not even on hiatus for retooling.
It has been CANCELED!
Nominations can no longer be accepted. Any nominations already under submission cannot and will not be considered. Nominations may not be resubmitted until further notice.
But worse than that, thousands will now be out of work. Yes, thousands! The thousands who made the bumper stickers. The thousands who printed up the nomination forms. And the one whose only job, his only means of support for himself and his dog and his mother, was filling out the nomination forms and submitting them to me. I speak, of course, of Superkommissar Maksim.
I can’t possibly continue to employ him and all these others and still collect my annual six-figure salary with all its perks and benefits, to include my Cadillac known as the Pinkiemobile and chauffeur Pedro, whose countless friends and relations back in Mexico depend on the wages I pay him just to survive.
Comrades, this is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. Since the Sequestration took effect at midnight last Friday, I’ve worked harder and harder than I’ve ever worked at anything in my life to come up with a way to save BOTW, but no matter what or how I cut or cook or crunch, I find it is impossible, utterly impossible to do so without increased funding.
We simply cannot be expected to effectively and efficiently maintain this program and continue the consistently high level of service that members of the Cube collective have come to expect since the award’s inception in 2008, at 2007 spending levels! We absolutely must have increased funding at 2013 levels to remain current and relevant, and also because it’s, well, 2013!
But since the Republicans are only interested in giving more unnecessary tax breaks we can’t afford to their wealthy fat cat friends and corporate jet owner pals, instead of funding a program that’s improved and empowered the lives of so many with its unparalleled recognition of the most Progressive in Progressive thought and expression, we have no choice now but to cancel it altogether.
That means no more Beet of the Week award:
And no more bumper sticker:
As for the “Reserved for Beet of the Week” parking space in front of Party headquarters, we have just enough money left to replace it with a nice piece of granite boasting a bronze plaque that will memorialize the purloined right, the stolen entitlement, the looted national treasure that was once Beet of the Week.
Commissarka Pinkie is a regular contributor to The People’s Cube, and is renowned and admired by the masses for her dedication to raising awareness of how much she cares. When she isn’t busy making an issue out of everything or beating unruly proles with her shovel, she enjoys spending other people’s money, occupying other people’s property, and playing victim and moral authority cards.
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Those blasted Republicans ruin everything! How will the Proletariat triumph over the oppression of Capitalism without the necessary encouragement of the Beet of the Week? Tell me!
Quote:
Comrade Red Square– Thanks to Republican obstructionism in Congress, the nation was forced into the sequester last Friday — a series of automatic and destructive budgets cuts that you and your neighbors are just beginning to feel. In the face of these devastating cuts, House Speaker John Boehner went on TV and said, “I don’t know whether it’s going to hurt the economy or not … I don’t think anyone quite understands how the sequester is really going to work.” Really? We’re not talking about some abstract numbers on a piece of paper — this is real. The sequester will cut 10,000 teaching jobs, 70,000 spots for preschoolers in Head Start, $ 43 million for food programs for seniors, $ 35 million for local fire departments, and access to nutrition assistance for over half a million women and their families. And the reason congressional Republicans let these cuts go into effect is because they simply wouldn’t support closing tax loopholes for millionaires and billionaires — for things like yachts and corporate jets. I wish I were kidding. More than 340,000 OFA supporters have added their names to support President Obama’s balanced plan and call on congressional Republicans to take action to stop the sequester budget cuts right now. Add your name, Comrade Red Square, and join them: http://my.barackobama.com/Tell-the-GOP-to-Act Thanks, and keep it up. Stephanie —–Original Message—– Friend – Today, because congressional Republicans refused to act, devastating budget cuts known as the sequester are going into effect. They’re self-inflicted wounds, and they didn’t have to happen. Congress can stop all of this right away — and pursue a balanced approach to deficit reduction. That’s what the vast majority of Americans want, and yesterday, more than 100,000 Americans called on Congress to be reasonable about the budget. Add your name now: http://my.barackobama.com/Tell-the-GOP-to-Act Thanks, Jon —–Original Message—– Friend – Brace yourself. If congressional Republicans don’t act by tomorrow, we’re going to be hit by a series of devastating, automatic budget cuts called the sequester. It’s a sledgehammer to the budget, our economy, and millions of Americans across the country — and the most frustrating part? It doesn’t have to happen. The majority of Americans support President Obama’s balanced approach to deficit reduction — add your name if you do, too. So far, congressional Republicans are refusing to compromise — all because they don’t want to close tax loopholes for millionaires, billionaires, vacation homes, and corporate jets. Seriously. This has very real consequences. On the chopping block are 10,000 teaching jobs, more than 70,000 kids’ spots in Head Start, $ 35 million for local fire departments, $ 43 million to make sure seniors don’t go hungry, and access to nutrition assistance for 600,000 women and their families. That’s just a few of the things we’ll lose. President Obama has put forth a balanced deficit reduction plan with smart spending cuts that protect the critical investments needed to strengthen middle-class families and our economy. We need to send a strong signal about where Americans stand on this issue. Add your name today: http://my.barackobama.com/Tell-the-GOP-to-Act Thanks, Messina Jim Messina P.S. — If Congress fails to act, this fight doesn’t end tomorrow. We’ll need to put even more pressure on Republicans to stop these budget cuts and pass a balanced plan. Join this fight now. Sources: The White House and Center for American Progress —————-
From: Jon Carson, BarackObama.com
Subject: Devastating
From: Jim Messina, BarackObama.com
Subject: Stand behind the President’s plan, before tomorrow
Chair
Organizing for Action
Let’s finish what we started. Chip in $ 25 or more to Organizing for Action, the grassroots movement that will get the job done.
Those of us who have never won a Beet of the Week are hardest hit….
I suppose it goes without saying that the tours of the famous “Pink House” Beet Of The Week world headquarters are on the chopping block as well. I’ve been saving a thimble full of vodka from each month’s allotment in order to sell an entire bottle’s worth in order to fund my “once in a lifetime” trip….I suppose I should just go ahead and drink the kids’ inheritance then?
The One was right (though I never doubted): the end of the world is nigh … unless taxes are raised on the evilfilthyrich.
I must denounce all of you for feeling down that you haven’t won the beet of the week or even wanting to compete for the award! Comrades, competition is what the rethuglikkkans want you to be lured into! You must resist! If one receives the award, we should all receive the award, so I must denounce the award giver for not awarding the award to all of us deserving/undeserving the award.
Report to the train station with your shovel! First one there gets denounced again so go no faster nor slower than the other comrades!
We would have named him something totally unoriginal and painfully obvious like Billy Beet, then launched a whole line of t-shirts, bedding, plush toys, and lunch boxes featuring his adorable image. (Yeah, I know because of the federal free lunch program, kids don’t necessarily carry lunch boxes anymore, but with increased funding to 2013 levels, we would’ve had money to make those lunch boxes anyway, and kids would’ve wanted them no matter what because it would’ve been cool to have one.)
With increased funding, we could’ve hired someone to dress up in a giant beet costume and raise further awareness of Beet of the Week through personal appearances at parties, fundraisers, rallies, protests, marches, sit-ins, lie-ins, die-ins, pee-ins, etc.
And as a beloved children’s cartoon character, our Democrat allies in Congress could’ve trotted him out on the steps of Capitol Hill and proclaimed to all that Republicans wanted to see Billy Beet fired, killed, chopped up and cooked into borscht just so they could give more tax breaks to millionaires, billionaires, corporate jet owners and vacation home owners. (Why do you think the Obamas always rent their vacation homes? To avoid receiving a tax break they don’t need! Now that’s what I call caring!)
With Billy Beet, so many more hearts would’ve been in danger of breaking. So many more children would’ve cried and bawled and blubbered and pleaded with their parents to write or call their Congressional representatives to save Billy Beet and ultimately Beet of the Week!
Oh, how it grieves me to think of all the people who could’ve received Beet of the Week and now, never will! People who could’ve discovered the cure for cancer…who could’ve come up with a way to stop global warming…save the polar bears…stop world hunger…end homelessness…poverty…someone who might have saved the world, had they only been inspired and motivated by the award of Pinkie’s prestigious Beet of the Week! Now, none of that will come to pass! For without the prospect of something glorious in it for you, what’s the point of even getting out of bed in the afternoon and trying to do anything at all? What’s the use of even caring if there’s no way to call attention to how much you care? Why bother, if no one notices?
Does anyone care at all anymore?
Anyone?
Anyone at all?
Dearest Pinkie, I care for the children. ™
I feel a WHACK! coming on…
“Bless the Beets and the Children™ “
The Beetles
I believe Comrade Ivan Betinov has the evening free…Don’t let the jar fool you, he could probably “stir your borcht” if you know what I mean (wink wink nudge nudge) but then again, Comrade Krasnodar (who has been strangely missing in action of late) has that spoon…
wrong lyrics….whew!
Comrade Pamalinsky, please bear (or bare) in mind that it is a great honor to have one’s head or other body parts used by our dear Comrade Putout. You has a privilege!
Beet of the Week Canceled Due to Sequestration
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