What The Government Cant Do For You: Official

Showing posts with label Official. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Boston Bombings: Official Stories Change Like Fairy Tales

Some say that the FBI should have been notified sooner by DHS as there are many holes and unanswered questions that still remain regarding the Boston Marathon bombings, others think DHS is hiding something.

WASHINGTON, DC – APRIL 24: Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano addresses the American Hotel and Lodging Association’s 2013 Legislative Action Summit on Capitol Hill April 24, 2013 in Washington, DC. Napolitano highlighted her department’s ‘If You See Something, Say Something’ campaign and other steps toward smoothing air travel inside and outside the United States. (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

by Shepard Ambellas
Intellihub.com
April 24, 2013

WASHINGTON — Tensions on Capitol Hill flare as Department of Homeland Security (DHS) director, Janet Napolitano, was questioned by a congressional member on DHS’s foreknowledge of the older Tsarneav brother’s activities and why nothing was done to counter his alleged activities.

Another attendee pointed out that if we want to stop terrorism in America, all agencies must work together.

Janet Napolitano stated during the committee, “Yes, the system pinged when he was leaving the United States, by the time he returned all investigations closed”, essentially admitting that DHS dropped the ball.

However, other factors could play into this media and governmental circus as there is likely more to the Boston Marathon bombings than reported at this time. For instance, why has there been no official mention of the contractors that were present near the finish line spotted before and after the bombing? These contractors look militarized, carrying 3 day assault packs and wearing Craft International spec ops gear typical of private contractors. In fact, questions by reporters on this very subject have been heavily deflected by officials raising eyebrows on some.

We also have the fact that one of the bombing suspects was reported to have been shot in the throat and missing most of his tongue, now this story is changing as well.

RT reported that Boston Marathon bombing suspect, Dzhokhar A. Tsarnaev, was interrogated at the hospital and admitted to authorities that he was indeed involved in planting bombs at the Boston Marathon. According to reporter, Anastasia Chirkina, “The motives behind the two bombings were the wars the United States was fighting against Iraq and Afghanistan”. This information contradicts earlier reports that the suspect was shot in the throat and can’t talk.

In fact the Washington Times reported, “According to Senator Dan Coats (R – Ind.) on ABC News’ “This Week with George Stephanopoulos,” the Boston bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, 19, captured Friday night by law enforcement was shot in the throat and is unable to talk to the FBI.

Coats elaborated: “The information we have is that there was a shot to the throat, and it’s questionable when and whether he’ll be able to talk again. Doesn’t mean he can’t communicate. But right now I think he’s in a condition where they can’t get any information from him at all.”

Boston Mayor Thomas Menino earlier on the show had said, “We don’t know if we’ll ever be able to question the individual,” but he did not elaborate.

However, a source close to the investigation, speaking on condition of anonymity, told Reuters News that not only was Tsarnaev shot in the throat, but that he had extensive tongue damage.”

All of this contradicts what is now being reported in the media, raising red flags for some.

The Telegraph recently reported that, “Two US officials have also said that the brothers appear to have acted alone and were motivated by a radical brand of Islam.

The officials said preliminary evidence from Tsarnaev’s interrogation suggested the brothers were motivated by religious extremism but were apparently not involved with Islamic terrorist organisations.

The surviving brother communicated with his interrogators in writing, precluding the type of back-and-forth exchanges often crucial to establishing key facts, said the officials, who have not been named.

They cautioned that they were still trying to verify what they were told by Tsarnaev and were looking at such things as his telephone and online communications and his associations with others. Tamerlan died on the night that Dzhokhar was captured.”

The official report is outrageous as the “lone wolf” angle will now be utilized to gain more control over the civilian population in America.

Yet even more preposterous is the fact that officials are claiming essentially that the Internet is a breeding ground for terror activities, further pushing control measures on the populace incrementally.

Then there is still the fact that the official story maintains that the older brother Tamerlan is dead and was actually ran over by his younger brother durring a get-away attempt from police. What is very suspicious about this report is that we have seen footage of Tamerlan being detained and put into a police car, alive. Tamerlan’s aunt positively identified him from the video stating to reporter Dan Dick’s on the phone that indeed that was Tamerlan in the video “naked” being detained by police.

Sources:

^http://intellihub.com/2013/04/17/photos-boston-bombing-suspects-appear-to-be-militarized-covert-black-ops/

^http://communities.washingtontimes.com/neighborhood/ad-lib/2013/apr/21/boston-bomber-shot-throat-cant-talk-fbi/

^http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/10011700/Boston-bombings-Dzhokhar-Tsarneav-says-brother-was-driving-force-behind-attack.html

*http://intellihub.com/2013/04/23/witness-tamerlan-tsarnaev-run-over-by-cops/

*****

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Rubio goes all in on immigration, NEWTOWN VICTIMS BECOME POWERFUL LOBBY, Lamborn spills bean on N. Korea nukes, Progress Ky. official resigns, Walden faces backlash

(swong@politico.com or @scottwongDC)

RUBIO GOES ALL IN ON IMMIGRATION – POLITICO’s Manu Raju has a preview of the Florida Republican’s game plan: “Marco Rubio is preparing to go all in to support sweeping immigration legislation, offering himself up as the public face of a bill that will split the Republican Party — but that his allies hope will propel him to the front of the GOP presidential sweepstakes. After offering lukewarm support until now, Rubio is preparing to fully embrace a measure that is the most significant of his political career so far. The gambit could pay off in spades by crowning a leading presidential contender in 2016, or it could permanently damage the Republican’s brand with conservatives.

– “Rubio is planning a media blitz to promote the bill — which is expected to be released early next week — making the rounds on all of the Sunday political talk shows starting this weekend, wooing skeptical conservative radio hosts and pitching the plan to Spanish-language news outlets. The campaign is aimed at building public support for the far-reaching immigration bill that will dominate Capitol Hill’s attention for much of the year. …

– “Behind the scenes, the potential 2016 aspirant has already launched a lobbying campaign to convince conservatives that the plan will be tough on the border. The goal is to assuage GOP concerns over the pathway to citizenship that would be offered to the nation’s 11 million illegal immigrants, allowing them to apply for citizenship after 13 years as the new enforcement measures take effect. The Florida Republican has privately briefed individual GOP senators on the Senate Judiciary Committee — including conservative skeptics John Cornyn of Texas and Mike Lee of Utah — about the soon-to-be-unveiled proposal, according to sources familiar with the matter. His staff has pitched the plan to conservative thought leaders, including at the National Review and Wall Street Journal editorial board as well as the columnist Charles Krauthammer, sources say.” http://politi.co/Zknfly

THE GANG’S immigration bill will include a new merit-based program for foreigners to become permanent legal residents based on their work skills, the NYT’s Julia Preston and Ashley Parker report. http://nyti.ms/ZlgS1q

NEWTOWN VICTIMS BECOME POWERFUL LOBBY, MOVE SENATE – Jim VandeHei and Mike Allen write in their latest “Behind the Curtain” column: “When a lobbyist for families of Newtown shooting victims called the office of Sen. Susan Collins (R-Maine) to set up a meeting, the first response was a standard D.C. offer. They could get a meeting with her staff, and a quick and simple ‘hello’ from Collins herself, they were told. The families’ answer: Not good enough. According to their lobbyists, the families have a rule against staff-only meetings: they won’t do them. They insist on sitting down with the senators themselves.

– “That rule is just one of the ways that the Newtown families, political novices just a few months ago, are proving to be savvy, effective advocates as they promote the gun legislation that has finally begun to move through the Senate. The families are well-educated, and many are well-off. They have been polished and sharp on TV. They’re mostly non-political, but quite accomplished in their own fields. With access to money and media, they’re using persistence, visibility — and, most all, their unique moral authority — to help prod Senate action. They also have their own lobbyists — several of them, in fact. …

–“What started as a support group is now a lobbying force unlike any other to descend on Capitol Hill. The family members typically begin their pitch to senators softly, telling the story of the child that they lost. They gently say they could not have imagined themselves in this position, but they’re doing it to honor the memory of their children. They say they’re supporters of the Second Amendment, and just want to have a conversation. But there’s nothing subtle about the way some of them conclude their visits: by leaving behind a color card with a photo of their slain relative. Nicole Hockley, who introduced President Barack Obama in Hartford this week, hands senators a card with three photos of her son Dylan, who was 6 when he was gunned down. One frame shows him grinning, in a Superman shirt. ‘Dylan Hockley, 3/8/06 – 12/14/12,’ the card says. ‘Honor his life. Stand with us for change. NOW IS THE TIME.’” http://politi.co/10SJDFr

– More than a dozen family members of Newtown victims sat in the gallery and looked on as the Senate voted 68-31 to begin debate on a gun-control measures, beating back a GOP-led filibuster, Kasie Hunt reports for NBC News. http://nbcnews.to/157VnZ8

TWO DEMOCRATS broke with their party and voted to filibuster the gun legislation: Sens. Mark Begich of Alaska and Mark Pryor.

SIXTEEN REPUBLICANS voted to begin debate on the bill: Lamar Alexander of Tennessee; Kelly Ayotte of New Hampshire; Richard Burr of North Carolina; Saxby Chambliss of Georgia; Tom Coburn of Oklahoma; Susan Collins of Maine; Bob Corker of Tennessee; Jeff Flake of Arizona; Lindsey Graham of South Carolina; John Hoeven of North Dakota; Johnny Isakson of Georgia; Dean Heller of Nevada; Mark Kirk of Illinois; John McCain of Arizona; Pat Toomey of Pennsylvania; Roger Wicker of Mississippi. http://politi.co/155XEE3

– Thursday’s vote could be just the first of many on gun legislation, POLITICO’s John Bresnahan reports: “A vote could come as soon as Tuesday on the bipartisan proposal by Sens. Joe Manchin (D-W.Va.) and Pat Toomey (R-Pa.) that would expand background checks to all commercial gun sales and close the so-called gun-show loophole, said Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.), a key player in the gun bill debate. … But Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) have yet to reach an agreement laying out all the conditions for the gun debate, including how long the fight could go on and how many amendments — and what type — can be offered. The Manchin-Toomey proposal will actually be offered as an amendment to an underlying Democrat-only gun bill, and without agreement from McConnell, it will be hard for Reid to get to a final vote on the gun package.” http://politi.co/1525UVv

– Roll Call’s John Gramlich has five gun-control amendments to watch next week, including measures on concealed carry, mental-health records and high-capacity magazines: http://bit.ly/Zlk6Sw

SUBURBAN GROWTH in states like Pennsylvania, Georgia and Virginia is forcing lawmakers to consider a new political calculus in the gun debate, Philip Rucker and Paul Kane write on A1 of the Washington Post: http://wapo.st/10YqS0J

LAWMAKER: NORTH KOREA CAN MAKE NUCLEAR WEAPON MOUNTED ON BALLISTIC MISSILE – The New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Washington Post and L.A. Times all front stories about Rep. Doug Lamborn’s surprising revelation about Pyongyang’s nuclear capabilities. Thom Shanker, David E. Sanger and Eric Schmitt write for the NYT: “A new assessment by the Pentagon’s intelligence arm has concluded for the first time, with “moderate confidence,” that North Korea has learned how to make a nuclear weapon small enough to be delivered by a ballistic missile. The assessment by the Defense Intelligence Agency, which has been distributed to senior administration officials and members of Congress, cautions that the weapon’s ‘reliability will be low,’ apparently a reference to the North’s difficulty in developing accurate missiles or, perhaps, to the huge technical challenges of designing a warhead that can survive the rigors of flight and detonate on a specific target.

– “The assessment’s existence was disclosed Thursday by Representative Doug Lamborn, Republican of Colorado, three hours into a budget hearing of the House Armed Services Committee with Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel and the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Gen. Martin E. Dempsey. General Dempsey declined to comment on the assessment because of classification issues. But late Thursday, the director of national intelligence, James R. Clapper Jr., released a statement saying that the assessment did not represent a consensus of the nation’s intelligence community and that ‘North Korea has not yet demonstrated the full range of capabilities necessary for a nuclear armed missile.’” http://nyti.ms/16RtqCR

– Defense hawk Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) called the North Korean dictator a “clown” and a “fool” on Fox News Thursday night, saying the U.S. can “take out” his nuclear capabilities if he fires a test missile. http://politi.co/ZlawyS

** On the Hill? Then join the Susan G. Komen Global Race for the Cure ‘State of Pink’ Challenge, a little friendly competition to support the fight against breast cancer. Just form a team in your office and then come celebrate with us on Saturday, May 11. Winning teams will be recognized on Race Day. Learn more. http://globalrace.info-komen.org/site/PageServer?pagename=hq_gr_2012_about_hill_teams

GOOD FRIDAY MORNING, APRIL 12, 2013, and welcome to The Huddle, your play-by-play preview of the day’s congressional news. Send tips, suggestions, comments, complaints and corrections to swong@politico.com. If you don’t already, please follow me on Twitter @scottwongDC.

My new followers include @Katy_Brock and @Cabananatuan.

A SPECIAL THANK YOU TO ANITA FORD, a senior web producer at POLITICO who’s endured countless early morning wake-up calls and worked behind the scenes to produce The Huddle each day since I took over a year and a half ago. Today marks her final Huddle as she moves on to bigger things, and we wish her the best! Email her at: aford@politico.com

TODAY IN CONGRESS – The Senate is out today. The House meets at 10 a.m. with first and last votes expected between 11:30 a.m. and 12:30 p.m. on a bill requiring the National Labor Relations Board to halt all activity until the legal issues surrounding the legitimacy of President Obama’s recess appointments are resolved.

AROUND THE HILL — Grover Norquist’s Americans for Tax Reform holds a Countdown-to-Tax-Day press conference at 10 a.m. in H-137, featuring speakers House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, Sen. Orrin Hatch, and Reps. Kevin Brady, Devin Nunes, Tom Price and Reid Ribble.

Sen. Ben Cardin holds a town hall with employees at 11:15 a.m. at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration’s Goddard Space Flight Center in Greenbelt, Md. The Cato Institute hosts a Capitol Hill briefing titled “After the Arguments: What’s Next for Marriage Equality?” at noon in Rayburn B-369.

PROGRESS KENTUCKY OFFICIAL RESIGNS AMID McCONNELL BUGGING FALLOUT – Kevin Robillard reports for POLITICO: “Pressure is growing Thursday afternoon on a liberal super PAC in Kentucky accused of surreptitiously recording a strategy session held by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. Jacob Conway, the Jefferson County Democratic Party’s executive committee member who originally accused Progress Kentucky of making the recording, told NBC News he was on his way to talk to the FBI about the allegations. And the group’s treasurer confirmed he had quit his position after the audio was published. ‘At this time based on advice of both friends and counsel, I will be not be making a public statement available until everything has been reviewed by an attorney at this time,’ Douglas L. Davis told NBC News. ‘I have resigned my position as treasurer and did not and do not condone any allegations of illegal activity that might have taken place.’

– “Conway told Louisville’s NPR affiliate earlier Thursday that two Progress Kentucky employees bragged to him about recording the meeting through a door in McConnell’s office. Conway said Shawn Reilly and Curtis Morrison told him they snuck into McConnell’s freshly-opened campaign office February 2, not long after McConnell held an open house for GOP activists and media members. They heard the meeting going on through a closed door and recorded it. … McConnell campaign manager Jesse Benton told the radio station the door in question has a large gap at the bottom and a vent the duo could’ve recorded the meeting through.” http://politi.co/ZPqq3C

– Reilly, the group’s executive director is denying he engaged in any illegal activity, The Hill’s Alexandra Jaffe reports: http://bit.ly/ZQTms2

DEFICIT GANG OF EIGHT BACK FROM THE DEAD? – Ginger Gibson reports for POLITICO: “Republican and Democratic senators are considering resurrecting a gang of deficit-busting lawmakers with an eye on a grand bargain with President Barack Obama. The bipartisan effort would come on the heels of the immigration Gang of Eight that is on the verge of announcing a sweeping immigration overhaul, and a breakthrough agreement on gun control between Sens. Joe Manchin (D-W.Va.) and Pat Toomey (R-Pa.). In fact, it seems reining in the deficit is the only thorny issue left in Washington that hasn’t seen a recent bipartisan breakthrough despite an aggressive outreach campaign by Obama to lawmakers. …

–“A revival of the group could see the return of veteran negotiators like Sens. Dick Durbin (D-Ill.) and Mike Johanns (R-Neb.). But they could also tap new blood like Sens. Susan Collins (R-Maine), Lamar Alexander (R-Tenn.), Johnny Iskason (R-Ga.) and Mary Landrieu (D-La.), or budget supercommittee members Rob Portman (R-Ohio) and Toomey.” http://politi.co/1525Y7w

WALDEN’S ‘CHAINED CPI’ REMARK SPLITS GOP – Jonathan Strong writes for Roll Call: National Republican Congressional Committee Chairman Greg Walden touched a nerve Wednesday when he savaged the entitlement changes in President Barack Obama’s budget as a ‘shocking attack on seniors.’ But while conservative groups expressed outrage and top House leaders, including Speaker John A. Boehner, said they disagreed with Walden, it’s the lack of fallout for the Oregon Republican that may be more revealing. The debate Walden’s remarks has set off inside the GOP shows many Republicans harbor deep-seated fears about publicly supporting the entitlement cuts they supposedly back and have demanded Obama and other Democrats embrace since taking control of the House in 2011. ‘Walden is doing the right thing for the 30 seats that control the majority of the House, and that’s what the mission of NRCC chair is,’ said Brock McLeary, the president of Harper Polling and a former top political hand at the NRCC. …

–“On Thursday, Boehner said, ‘I’ve made it clear that I disagree with what Chairman Walden said. He and I have had a conversation about it. This is the least we must do to begin to solve the problems of Social Security.’ Rory Cooper, a spokesman for Majority Leader Eric Cantor, R-Va., said his boss “thinks that chained CPI should definitely be on the table” and noted that, like Boehner, Cantor had also spoken to Walden.” http://bit.ly/XH4EF9

– Angered by Walden’s position, the conservative Club for Growth is now looking for a primary challenger to take him on in 2014, Kate Nocera reports for POLITICO: http://politi.co/ZPEOsO

THURSDAY’S TRIVIA WINNER – Bradley Dlatt was first to correctly answer that Thomas Jefferson signed legislation in 1806 providing funding for the National Road, previously known as the Cumberland Road, the first highway to be built by the federal government. The road started in Cumberland, Md.

TODAY’S TRIVIA – Howard Kipnes has today’s question: Which U. S. president was the first to appear on television, and what was the event he was attending? First to correctly answer gets a mention in the next day’s Huddle. Email me at swong@politico.com.

GET HUDDLE emailed to your Blackberry, iPhone or other mobile device each morning. Just enter your email address where it says “Sign Up.” http://www.politico.com/huddle/

** On the Hill? Then join the Susan G. Komen Global Race for the Cure ‘State of Pink’ Challenge, a little friendly competition to support the fight against breast cancer. Since 1990, Komen’s investments have helped drive down breast cancer mortality rates in the U.S. by 33% thanks to participants like you. Represent your state and keep the momentum going. Form a team in your office today and then come celebrate with us on Saturday, May 11. The largest congressional team and top fundraising team will be recognized on Race Day. Learn more. http://globalrace.info-komen.org/site/PageServer?pagename=hq_gr_2012_about_hill_teams

POLITICO – Top 10 – The Huddle

Rubio goes all in on immigration, NEWTOWN VICTIMS BECOME POWERFUL LOBBY, Lamborn spills bean on N. Korea nukes, Progress Ky. official resigns, Walden faces backlash

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Rubio goes all in on immigration, NEWTOWN VICTIMS BECOME POWERFUL LOBBY, Lamborn spills bean on N. Korea nukes, Progress Ky. official resigns, Walden faces backlash

(swong@politico.com or @scottwongDC)

TWO DEMOCRATS broke with their party and voted to filibuster the gun legislation: Sens. Mark Begich of Alaska and Mark Pryor.

– Roll Call’s John Gramlich has five gun-control amendments to watch next week, including measures on concealed carry, mental-health records and high-capacity magazines: http://bit.ly/Zlk6Sw

My new followers include @Katy_Brock and @Cabananatuan.

– Reilly, the group’s executive director is denying he engaged in any illegal activity, The Hill’s Alexandra Jaffe reports: http://bit.ly/ZQTms2

– Angered by Walden’s position, the conservative Club for Growth is now looking for a primary challenger to take him on in 2014, Kate Nocera reports for POLITICO: http://politi.co/ZPEOsO

GET HUDDLE emailed to your Blackberry, iPhone or other mobile device each morning. Just enter your email address where it says “Sign Up.” http://www.politico.com/huddle/

POLITICO – Top 10 – The Huddle

Rubio goes all in on immigration, NEWTOWN VICTIMS BECOME POWERFUL LOBBY, Lamborn spills bean on N. Korea nukes, Progress Ky. official resigns, Walden faces backlash

Friday, April 12, 2013

Rubio goes all in on immigration, NEWTOWN VICTIMS BECOME POWERFUL LOBBY, Lamborn spills bean on N. Korea nukes, Progress Ky. official resigns, Walden faces backlash

(swong@politico.com or @scottwongDC)

TWO DEMOCRATS broke with their party and voted to filibuster the gun legislation: Sens. Mark Begich of Alaska and Mark Pryor.

– Roll Call’s John Gramlich has five gun-control amendments to watch next week, including measures on concealed carry, mental-health records and high-capacity magazines: http://bit.ly/Zlk6Sw

My new followers include @Katy_Brock and @Cabananatuan.

– Reilly, the group’s executive director is denying he engaged in any illegal activity, The Hill’s Alexandra Jaffe reports: http://bit.ly/ZQTms2

– Angered by Walden’s position, the conservative Club for Growth is now looking for a primary challenger to take him on in 2014, Kate Nocera reports for POLITICO: http://politi.co/ZPEOsO

GET HUDDLE emailed to your Blackberry, iPhone or other mobile device each morning. Just enter your email address where it says “Sign Up.” http://www.politico.com/huddle/

POLITICO – Top 10 – The Huddle

Rubio goes all in on immigration, NEWTOWN VICTIMS BECOME POWERFUL LOBBY, Lamborn spills bean on N. Korea nukes, Progress Ky. official resigns, Walden faces backlash

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Saturday, February 23, 2013

OFFICIAL "If Congress Doesn"t Act" Thread

Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: ‘rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good’

Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as ‘undocumented sex partners’

Kremlin puts out warning not to photoshop Putin riding meteor unless bare-chested

Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead

Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending

V-Day: feminist groups call on one billion women to protest male chauvinism by performing one billion lap dances

Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg’s ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons

Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago

Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new ‘Republicans For Democrats’ strategy aimed at losing elections

Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country

Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to ‘Traps’

White House releases new exciting photos of Obama standing, sitting, looking thoughtful, and even breathing in and out

New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman’s economic policies stolen

White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class

To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead

State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations

Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they’re just running forward

President issues executive orders banning cliffs, ceilings, obstructions, statistics, and other notions that prevent us from moving forwards and upward

Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects

World ends; S&P soars

Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood

Meek inherit Earth, can’t afford estate taxes

Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway

Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013

Bigfoot found in Ohio, mysteriously not voting for Obama

As Santa’s workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of ‘naughty and nice’ list

Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves

Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium

Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future

Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs

Modernizing Islam: New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion’s latter day prophet

Imam Rauf’s peaceful solution: ‘Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt’

Study: Obama’s threat to butn tax money in Washington ‘recruitment bonanza’ for Tea Parties

Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov’t raises retirement age to at least 814 years

Obama attends church service, worships self

Obama proposes national ‘Win The Future’ lottery; proceeds of new WTF Powerball to finance more gov’t spending

Historical revisionists: “Hey, you never know”

Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh

Israelis to Egyptian rioters: “don’t damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild”

Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness

Al Gore: It’s a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of polar bears

Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke

Obama’s teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights

Obama calls new taxes ‘spending reductions in tax code.’ Elsewhere rapists tout ‘consent reductions in sexual intercourse’

Obama’s teleprompter unhappy with White House Twitter: “Too few words”

Obama’s Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov’t

Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost

Responding to Oslo shootings, Obama declares Christianity “Religion of Peace,” praises “moderate Christians,” promises to send one into space

Republicans block Obama’s $ 420 billion program to give American families free charms that ward off economic bad luck

White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus

Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed

Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book “The Road to Smurfdom”

Al Gore proposes to combat Global Warming by extracting silver linings from clouds in Earth’s atmosphere

Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people’s suffering: “When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?”

Obama regrets the US government didn’t provide his mother with free contraceptives when she was in college

Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!

Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: ‘Come again soon!’

Obama to tornado victims: ‘We inherited this weather from the previous administration’

Obama congratulates Putin on Chicago-style election outcome

People’s Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies

Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, “only 1% allowed to reach Israel”

Democrat strategist: without government supervision, women would have never evolved into humans