What The Government Cant Do For You: GOP"s Path Back to Power Seen in Nominating Obama in 2016

Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead

Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending

V-Day: feminist groups call on one billion women to protest male chauvinism by performing one billion lap dances

Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg’s ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons

Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago

Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new ‘Republicans For Democrats’ strategy aimed at losing elections

Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country

Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to ‘Traps’

White House releases new exciting photos of Obama standing, sitting, looking thoughtful, and even breathing in and out

New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman’s economic policies stolen

White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class

To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead

State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations

Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they’re just running forward

President issues executive orders banning cliffs, ceilings, obstructions, statistics, and other notions that prevent us from moving forwards and upward

Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects

World ends; S&P soars

Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood

Meek inherit Earth, can’t afford estate taxes

Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway

Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013

Bigfoot found in Ohio, mysteriously not voting for Obama

As Santa’s workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of ‘naughty and nice’ list

Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves

Taliban revise burka policy after realizing uncovered women can do more damage to US military than suicide bombers

China’s Peoples Daily launches attack on New York Times in what State Dept classifies as “friendly fire” incident

Democrats seek experienced Somali pirates to launch “Pirate the Vote” campaign in battleground states

Ohio elections: Obama promotes Somali pirate participation with promise of pre-paid propaganda parrot with each swiped ballot

Children blame their parents in pro-Obama music video produced by the Menendez brothers

Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama

As hurricane Sandy remains undecided about where to make landfall, Frank Luntz books her for next focus group

Obama apologizes to Muslim community for foiled Federal Reserve bomb plot, blames despicable Capital One credit card commercial, promises to arrest Alec Baldwin

Americans prepare for obnoxious Thanksgiving relatives by watching reruns of Biden/Ryan debate

Obamacare experts promise that hospital patients will soon be able to see Alren Specter’s head get attached to Joe Biden’s body

Republican War Machine sent one of Romney clones to Debate Obama

Obama: “Let them eat statistics”

Pakistan explodes in protest over new Adobe Acrobat update; 17 local acrobats killed

Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory

Obama to Middle East flag burners: “You didn’t burn that, somebody else made that happen”

FBI’s billion dollar facial recognition software malfunctions after scan of Nancy Pelosi’s face

Hurricane Isaac: a preview of things to come if Republicans go through with their plan to deregulate weather

Obama declares Tampa a Federal Disaster Zone; DHS relocates Romney, Ryan to FEMA-approved refugee facilities

Obama to Evangelicals: Jesus saves, I just spend

Troubled Harry Reid again arrested for DWI, resisting arrest while naked

Obama and Democrats alienate yet another loyal voter bloc: Necro-Americans

Unregulated Americans rampage and pillage following regulatory Czar Cass Sunstein’s resignation

Team USA beats Nigeria by 83 points after receiving email from Nigerian prince offering 3 gold medals each if they send him theirs first

Tropical storm Ernesto: countdown begins to MSNBC exalting it as “Hurricane Che”

Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels

Witness: “The line at Chick-fil-A was so long, I thought Obamcare had already been implemented.”

GM profits plunge 41%; CEO to make desperate statement in favor of traditional marriage

Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff of it

Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Texas) sponsors House Resolution to have Mercury (Hg) removed from Periodic Chart as a means of fighting pollution, global warming

Obama blames previous Olympics for failure to win at this Olympics

Media to refer to gold medal winners as one-percenters

John Kerry: “Send back those medals – it’s the only fair thing to do!”

Obama apologizes for U.S. Olympic success: “They didn’t win that.”

Olympic Committee to withdraw medals from non-unionized athletes, give them to deserving Public Employee Union members

Study: If water boarding were a sexual preference it would be part of public school curriculum

Obama Administration reportedly runs food stamps across the border with Mexico in an operation code-named “Fat And Furious”

Experts: Communism is to Socialism, what Bud is to Bud Light

Did you know? Dead plants and animals are an environmental tragedy; dead border patrol agents are just a statistic

Report: Obama too half-white to address half of NAACP delegation

Latest figures reveal Obama leading Romney, 117 to 55, in using first-person pronouns “I” and “me” in speeches

Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its “President for Life”

Experts have little hope for Venezuela surviving late-stage metastasized Chavez

In addition to giving your wedding gifts to Obama, you can now also write Obama into your will, family trust, or grant him power of attorney over your estate – all through innovative online service at Legalchoom.gov/grift

Obama re-election campaign announces Independence Day fire sale of “old-fashioned White House junk”

Proof of “God particle” found; ACLU files suit against astrophysicists

Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel “50 Shades of Hay”

“How to Impeach a Supreme Court Justice” debuts at #1 on New York Times bestseller list

Justice Scalia: “Hitting refresh on Drudge Report isn’t going to make wording of healthcare decision any different”

Obama Admin launches new series, Game Of Drones

MSNBC: Rodney King dies as a result of wounds sustained in 1991 police beating

White House: Manufacturing millions “I Heart Gringos” welcoming guest worker uniforms will save or create enough jobs to compensate for the 800,000 taken away by new arrivals

Catching up with President Kardashian, Joe Biden changes name to Hilton, uploads sex video

Jay Carney: Nat’l security leaks are proof that President is fulfilling promise of most open and transparent administration ever

Canadian Cannibal admits to being influenced by Occupy Wall Street chant ‘Eat the Rich’

Mostly peaceful dems on Twitter mostly peacefully declare they want to mostly peacefully kill Governor Walker

Walker wins; two MSNBC hosts commit suicide live on air

Obama: ‘As soon as Bush walked back into the White House, unemployment went up’

Bloomberg to restrict children’s access to Food Network in NYC metro area; shows with high-calory content to air after 8pm

Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich

White House confirms Obama has daughters and spoke of ‘sons’ merely out of gender-blindness: ‘We all know that sexual organs are a discriminatory social construct that must be deconstructed’

Historians: Before HOPE & CHANGE there was HEMP & CHOOM at ten bucks a bag

Study: Obama doesn’t like “fat cats” because he is a “dog person”

Dems claim their attacks on Haley, Palin, Ann Romney are not “War on Conservative Women,” but rather “Domestic Feminist Contingency Operation”

Biden launches his 2012 campaign to get thrown off ticket by blaming Tea Party for bad economy

Obama to Cory Booker: a mind is a terrible thing to use

Summer dead; Gore blames climate change

In attempt to recover $ 2 billion loss, JP Morgan Chase renames itself Chasebook

Poll: Progressive slogan ‘We should be more like Europe’ most popular with members of American Nazi Party

As election campaign heats up, Obama promises students to forgive their sins

Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name

Democrat geneologists: every time you drop litter on highway, Elizabeth Warren sheds a single tear

Democrat strategist: without government supervision, women would have never evolved into humans

Michelle: My stick is bigger than Barack’s

Breaking news: one year later, Bin Laden still dead

Obama in Afghanistan: American chicken is going home to roost

Elizabeth Warren claims kinship to Sitting Bull; receives Indian name of Lying Cow

Obama: Killing one terrorist is a triumph, killing millions of jobs is a statistic

May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above

Study: North Korean Army threats as credible as White House news briefings

Obama to Congress: my government, my business

WH news briefing cut short after Jay Carney’s pants spontaneously self-combust

Catholic Bishops order supersize confession booth for James Carney

Romney campaign requests Obama’s fourth-grade book report on World of Dogs; Obama says, ‘I ate it’

Insulted by Romney’s accusation of them doing Obama’s bidding, enraged media demand immediate instructions from White House on how to respond

Hillary in Colombian bar: Read my hips!

Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: ‘Come again soon!’

Obama: If I had a mother, she’d look like Trayvon Martin’s

Study: Ozzie Guillen’s beatdown by U.S. media not as bad as beatdown in Cuban prison for speaking out

Olbermann: “They fired me for wearing a hoodie!”

Cheney gets new heart; nation also hopeful that Biden gets brain, Obama courage, and House drops on Pelosi

Trayvor Martin shooting causes fear of backlash among Latinos with old-Jewish-guy names

In effort to escape vigilante justice, George Zimmerman changes name to George Dylan

Larry Sinclair: : If I had a son, he’d look like Barack Obama

Secretary of Energy Steven Chu: due to energy conservation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off

To raise awareness about how unattractive respiratory disorders can be, Obama’s FDA bans over-the-counter sales of asthma inhalers

Turning disaster into success, Disney renames failing “John Carter” movie to “John Reagan”

Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law

Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, “only 1% allowed to reach Israel”

UN: Iron Dome system in Israel too successful, may cause humanitarian crisis as desperate Gaza officials are forced to divert funds from education and healthcare in order to compensate for destroyed missiles

People’s Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies

Whitney Houston and Elvis seen at Obama fundraiser

Obama congratulates Putin on Chicago-style election outcome

Battle of the Fluke: Dept. of Health and Human Services jumps into the fray by changing emblem from “Eagle of Soaring Prices” to “Woodpecker of Reproductive Justice“

Dept. of Energy certifies Georgetown Law School sex drive as clean energy source, adds to number of green jobs created

Limbaugh controversy prompts Atlantic City casinos to preemptively shut down wildly popular Sandra Fluke slot machines

Democrats push for a death tax on aborted fetuses, to be paid for by insurance companies

Sandra Fluke Cartoon - Battle of the Fluke

Third-grader forced to apologize to Sandra Fluke for telling classmate, “Yo mama went to Georgetown Law School”

Obama to tornado victims: ‘We inherited this weather from the previous administration’

Putin’s post-election tears sold for five million dollars on eBay, rumored to have magical and political powers; buyer identified by initials B.O.

Rush Limbaugh apologizes for criticizing Sandra Fluke’s reproductive hobbies, sends her complimentary condoms and a video camera

Obama: I don’t want anyone punished with a birth certificate

Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!

Supportive Americans send Sandra Fluke thousands of contraceptives in hopes she’ll never reproduce

Georgetown Law School students set to receive scholarships from Crate’O"Condoms manufacturer Johnson & Johnson

Obama regrets the US government didn’t provide his mother with free contraceptives when she was in college

Rescue team recovers Obama’s birth certificate ten miles away from tornado path

Supporting Obama’s Pond Scum Initiative, US Rep. Waters changes her name to Maxine “Stagnant” Waters

US commander in Afghanistan attempts to quell rioters by burning the American equivalent of the Koran – a year’s subscription of ‘Goosebumps’

Colorado school board: Islamic harassment of choir student not in violation of DOE guidelines on death threats

Obama refutes charges of being unresponsive to people’s suffering: “When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?”

Maya Angelou: “Whitney’s dead, Santorum did it, Romney gave the gun, and Gingrich hid it”

Larry Flint: Santorum aspirin position in poor taste and beyond the pale

Israel invades Iranian air space to drop thousands of Fallout Shelter Manuals in Farsi

Al Gore proposes to combat Global Warming by extracting silver linings from clouds in Earth’s atmosphere

Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book “The Road to Smurfdom”

Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed

Nation grateful to Madonna for promise to keep clothes on at Super Bowl

Trump endorses self, calls self to congratulate

Pelosi backs merger of Girl Scouts with Planned Parenthood: ‘Who’s NOT planning to be a parent at 12 these days?‘

Groundhog Day news: Punxsutawney Phil doesn’t see Obama’s shadow

Obama’s critics respond to Newsweek cover by publishing ‘Defeating Obama for Dummies’

ACLU flooded with questions from donors: ‘how and who to pray to in order to have Tim Tebow smitten?’

North Pole shuts down as elves unionize, demand warmer work environment

Comet and Blitzen refuse to serve with openly gay Dasher and Prancer

Rudolph publishes auto-biography, says shiny nose still cause for discrimination

Santa’s sleigh grounded: PETA files animal cruelty suit against jolly old St. Nick

Al Gore’s children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday

Adults to Occupiers: there is no socialist Santa Claus; OWS protesters vow to continue demanding free chocolate cookies and milk

EPA to collect carbon tax on coal left in naughty childrens’ stockings this Christmas

Carney: new tax on Christians to help improve Christ’s image via NEA grants

Obama: this isn’t Christmas tax, it’s Jizya

Mainstream media exposes Cain’s radical ties to Koch-funded abolitionist movement

Dems compromise with Cain, only 10 lashes if he returns to plantation now

White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus

NY Daily News poll asking New Yorkers about Wall Street protesters uncovers glitch in People’s Math: 79% want to see 99% kicked out

Democrats to Wall Street Occupiers: We’re with you, but please don’t harass our biggest donors!

Iran ‘will pay a price’ for assassination plot: Obama will not bow to Ahmadinejad for minimum of 90 days

Gov’t blocks AT&T/T-MOBILE merger, cites “insufficient 2012 campaign donations”

Paul Krugman predicts stimulus package named “Irene” will improve economy this weekend

Republicans block Obama’s $ 420 billion program to give American families free charms that ward off economic bad luck

Opposition wrongfully labels as “vacation” President’s plan to join toiling workers in cranberry bogs of Martha’s Vineyard

Carney calls Obama vacation ‘stimulative,’ estimates it will create 4 million jobs

Unemployment promises not to rise until after Obama’s vacation

Gorbachev to Obama: ‘I too should have abandoned the Communist party earlier‘

Obama tours states in long black bus; Biden to follow in short bus

Gaddafi petitions UN to support London rebels, demands resignation of British Prime Minister

Six Flags opens new roller coaster called The Dow Jones

Obama blames Thomas Jefferson for current economic woes; Biden says it’s King George’s fault

Responding to Oslo shootings, Obama declares Christianity “Religion of Peace,” praises “moderate Christians,” promises to send one into space

President to interrupt his schedule, go on apology tour to Bible Belt, bow before local Church leaders

Media: Why do Christians hate us?

U.S. Board of Education institutes “Christian for a Day” program in public schools, considers celebrating Christmas

Ridley Scott to remake Kingdom of Heaven, this time portraying Crusaders as a peaceful, moderate group

Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost

Progressive dream comes true: Nordic-looking Christian male commits act of terror

Racist NY Times quick to blame Muslims for Norway attack

Experts: new media standard dawns as headlines rush to describe race, color, and religion of Norwegian shooter

Study: Bicyclists have replaced Prius owners as smuggest commuters on Los Angeles freeways

Obama’s Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov’t

Summer fun looks up! June jobs numbers up from 18,000 new jobs to loss of 26,000 jobs

DNC eyes Romney as possible nominee for 2012

Nancy Grace on Casey Anthony verdict: “Somewhere out there, the devil is dancing tonight.” Devil to Nancy: “I haven’t danced since Roe v Wade”

Obama’s teleprompter unhappy with White House Twitter: “Too few words”

White House admits to falling behind schedule in finding new populist, vapid 2012 reelection slogan

State Department: We’re not bombing in Libya; we’re only dropping unsolicited instant demolition devices

Obama to Congress: “Unlike me, you’re always on vacation. That’s what you are but what am I?”

Obama: “We can’t cut our way to prosperity, but we sure can spend our way to oblivion

NY approves gay marriage; any moment now straight people expected to take to streets in hissy fit protest, demanding courts to overturn

White House cuts government waste by consolidating all Federal websites into one easy-to-use ‘Obama-For-America-2012′ website

Obama: ‘The American private sector must lead the recovery! That’s an order – I just signed it’

Huntsman Who: ‘I-m like Reagan – a very, very efficient policy-wonk collectivist technocrat’

Pelosi reverses stance, vows to go hard on Weiner

Study: 60% of New York voters believe that Rep. Weiner had penis planted on him by Republican operatives

Tired of jokes about his name, Rep. Weiner (D) changes it to Whinner

Activists against voter ID discovered to be teens in elaborate scheme to avoid being carded at area nightclub

Harry Reid: ‘We believe in a living breathing budget that evolves as society changes – today, tomorrow, the next minute, the next election’

Obama Administration demands secrecy in implementing ‘transparent government’ policy

Foreign policy mixup leads to Obama’s order that helps US

Global happiness index compiled by Peoples Cube researchers shows ThePeoplesCube.com is best and happiest website, has healthiest babies, most bountiful beet harvests, enjoys wisest leader

Babies ‘R’ Us launches in-crib air traffic controller monitor to put little ones off to sleep

Obama calls new taxes ‘spending reductions in tax code.’ Elsewhere rapists tout ‘consent reductions in sexual intercourse’

Ken Burns’ DVD “The Domestic Contingency Operation” #1 on Amazon

As French troops close in on Côte d’Ivoire’s President, Code Pink condemns France’s ‘War for Chocolate’

Seattle school renames Easter eggs ‘Spring Spheres’; also renames Passover ‘Please don’t kill the first born in this house,’ and Ramadam to ‘Eat after dark, put on 20lbs’

Government shutdown averted, which means the hard-working unionized masses at the IRS will continue, without interruption, to write letters kindly asking citizens to “pay their fair share”

Media Matters reporting: Fox News to execute Glenn Beck next Tuesday

Conde Nast gave $ 8m to scammer who sent one email; elsewhere, electorate gave four years to scammer who had one slogan

Obama 2012: It’s a Kinetic Voter Action, not a reelection campaign

As Japanese workers stuff newspapers into nuclear reactor to stop toxic leakage, questions arise if stuffing nuclear reactor into New York Times might bring similar beneficial results

Jihadists Without Borders rush to aid Libyian rebels

Obama skips trip to Mayan ruins, returns home to visit ruins of America instead

Apple unveils iPad 2.0; Obama unveils Bush 2.0

Biden: US troops in Libya could help save or create thousands of civilian lives

Maintaining two wars while starting a third proves easy for Nobel Peace Prize winner Obama

Mainstream media learns to stop worrying and love the war

NYT: Sometimes war can be the answer

New York Times Crossword Obama Libya Cartoon NPR: War with Libya to reduce unemployment and carbon footprint

MSNBC: Counting civilian deaths in Libya too complicated

Obama suggests No-Fly Zone in Libya be modeled on his No-Decision Zone at White House

Nuke workers in Japan take advice from progressives, jam huge piece of regulation into reactor to cool it

Obama to Japanese people: ‘Play golf and basketball; problems will go away’

Obama buys fiddle, heads to Rome

Obama’s teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights

Hawaii: Tsunami washes away Obama’s birth certficate, forcing Gov. Abercrombie to give up on investigation

Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke

Libya became the first country to formally recognize rebels’ SSauthority in the state of Wisconsin

Meanwhile, Libyan rebels are fleeing after sustained attacks by government employees loyal to Colonel Gaddafi

Rumors of ‘rape for food’ treatment spread in UN refugee camps for Democrat senators fleeing Wisconsin

Mainstream media to keep up current protest coverage policy in Wisconsin: “See no Union, hear no Union”

Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness

Israelis to Egyptian rioters: “don’t damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild”

Obama prayer breakfast features environmentally conscious and progressive god, as opposed to evil oppressor god of Bush years

Joe Biden: Egypt protests just a big pyramid scheme

Churchill: We will fight them on the beaches; Reagan: Tear down this wall; Obama: Follow me on twitter

Facebook sponsorship of Arab revolutions questioned by some

Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh

Historical revisionists: “Hey, you never know”

Obama proposes national ‘Win The Future’ lottery; proceeds of new WTF Powerball to finance more gov’t spending

Communist leader and Hu Jintau give joint White House press conference

Abortion horror in Philly: pro-choice activists need to tone down rhetoric

NARAL releases photo of Palin graphic with cross hairs over fetus

China’s president calls international currency ‘product of the past’, wishes to use shiny clam shells

Detroit public schools focus on Green education as students harvest materials from abandoned school buildings to finance Teachers Union benefits

Obama eases Cuba travel: 30 refugees per raft instead of previous 20

Al Sharpton voices concern in the aftermath of New York City blizzard: disproportionate amount of city snowmen are white

New federal entitlement unveiled: all memorials to have Yaqui pray reader

New Democrat plan to enhance civility requires all GOP members to attend professionally managed Republicans Anonymous sessions

MSNBC: Congresswoman being shot in right side of head a proof that violence comes from the right

DHS ‘see something, say something’ program scrapped due to overload of whistle-blowing tips about DHS and the Obama administration

“No Labels” movement hits supermarkets with disastrous results

Comet and Blitzen refuse to serve with openly gay Dasher and Prancer

ACLU: Christmas tree lighting ceremonies create more terrorists

Obama leaving press conference marks beginning of gradual withdrawal from White House by 2012

Al Qaeda establishes ‘Off with their heads’ scholarship fund for British students

Jeremiah Wright goes to Stockholm with a sermon ‘Sweden’s chickens are coming home to roost’

Obama warns Sweden not to jump to conclusions: ‘not all suicide bombers are terrorists’

Muslim woman guilty of drunk driving won’t remove scarf for jail photo

New York Times sues Wikileaks for unauthorized release of its business model: “We’re the ones stealing military secrets!”

Democrat voters frustrated over Wikileaks failure to implicate Bush in stealing Iraqi oil

White House considers launching a Wikidiaper website

Gibbs: basketball game in which Obama split his lip was started by Bush

Obama names his 12 lip stitches “Mark, Luke, John, Matthew, Paul, Peter…”

Newest TSA slogan “Smell my finger” turns out to be an inside joke

North Korea attacks; American peace groups quickly react by not organizing antiwar marches, not burning DPRK flags, not painting Hitler mustache on effigies of Kim Jung Il, and not chanting “peace now”

Hollywood refuses to brand Kim Jung Il war monger and lying liar, sends Oliver Stone on fact-finding mission

Study: a Google search for body count website listing civilian deaths in Korea brought no results

Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov’t raises retirement age to at least 814 years

Irish economy in a shambles but who cares; St Patrick�s day is only 4 months away

Obama to cut Medicare as soon as debt panel finds a way to blame it on Republicans

Aging Democratic Party Politburo refuses to give way to younger apparatchiks

Soros escape pod seen over Los Angeles; clueless Pentagon denies ‘action by U.S. adversary,’ searches ocean bed for hatches and trap doors

Just in: fall of USSR result of not speaking to people effectively, teleprompters not having been invented yet

Obama to America: “Mumbai is awesome! Wish you were here. Wire money”

Obama’s final appeal to voters: Have the courage and integrity to rubber stamp my rubber stamps!

Obama distances from himself in Charlottesville to woo Virginia voters

Juan Williams hired by Fox News to represent liberals; show titled You’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen ‘em all

Google expands maps and street views to include Google Colonoscopy: zero in on target and get detailed view with few clicks of mouse. New program supported by several gov’t agencies, most notably IRS

New polling indicates American voters no longer want change, they just want their money back

Democrats launch “Take Our Jobs” campaign as only seven Americans agreed to vote for them

Obama ends war, blames Iraq car explosions on faulty non-union manufactured spare parts

Democrats pull troops out of Iraq to fight the ‘real war’ on Christine O’ Donnell

In effort to appeal to NOW feminists, Christine O’Donnell changes name to Rosie, gains 400lbs

Obama goes to church, worships self

Study: Obama’s threat to butn tax money in Washington ‘recruitment bonanza’ for Tea Parties

GOP: a Rove by any other name still smells the same

Imam Rauf finds a peaceful solution: ‘Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt’

New Yorkers to Rauf: ‘move mosque to Mecca; Ground Zero at location can be arranged’

Modernizing Islam: New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion’s latter day prophet

General Petraeus: non-halal meals, uncovered female Americans endanger U.S. troops

U.S. forces in Afghanistan brace for backlash after President’s message on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kipur

Cardboard cutouts used to fill empty seats for Obama’s appearance as Obama takes credit for creating jobs in cardboard-cutout sector

Taliban commanders warn that a plan to build Ground Zero mosque could provoke violence against their troops and operatives overseas

MSNBC suggests Florida church burn Bible instead of Koran; fewer pages mean smaller carbon footprint

New York Neighbors for American Values offer to voluntarily behead themselves to prove tolerance to Muslims; rabbi Arthur Waskow offers to self-incinerate in oven instead

The U.N. posthumously awards all French military personal that served during May of 1940 a medal for Courageous Restraint

White House revises policy to announce when President is at work instead of announcing when he is going on vacation

Seattle: sonic booms of fighter jets shatter glass, stimulate economy

Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs

White House: Spanish vacation saved or created 3,427 jobs

Pelosi issues recall of House, citing electoral safety concerns

Obama’s lack of cojones a bold-face lie: proof

Bin Laden New York Times Cartoon Elton John Working On Anti-Obama Musical

Congress ceases Pentagon spending, outsources armed forces to China

Shirley Sherrod accepts apology, gets new gov’t job in End of Life Counseling

On first visit as Britain’s PM, David Cameron chooses a communist state, seeks détente

Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future

GOP challengers promise post-racial presidency after 2012

Doctors: Glenn Beck’s worsening eyesight and inability to focus give hope he may yet join other media and follow Obama

Parachuting donkey lands into Vice President’s desk, continues business as usual

Obama calls on radical groups to comply with rules for radicals

NAACP condemns racism within al Qaeda: ‘We don’t have a problem with radicals, we have an issue with their acceptance of white Arab supremacists into their organizations’

Obama denies al-Qaeda stimulus money, redirects funds to ‘less racist’ man-made disaster management organizations

In view of lasting heat wave, all weather forecasts are temporarily replaced with ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ infomercials

NAACP strongly denounces The New Black Panthers

Caught in another hateful rant, Mel Gibson apologizes to representatives of hurt communities: Russian mail-order bride community, silicone breast-implant community, slutty clothes designer community, Vegas whore community, rapist community, and personally to Al Sharpton

Europe: Oracle Octopus predicts World Cup winner;
USA: Oracle Dodo predicts economic growth

Today’s box office: LeBron knixes New York in a suspense thriller The Field of Nightmares (Tax Them and They Won’t Come)

In a last-ditch effort to get popular with Americans, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan reveals she’s a Russian spy, photoshops her face on Anna Chapman’s nude photos, wins by a landslide

Portland Tribune to receive Pulitzer Prize for best investigative non-reporting of Al Gore’s sexual public service blooper

War on Arizona turns to quagmire; Obama sets timetable on American withdrawal by 2011

MSNBC: Obama’s firing McChrystal a positive move to bring long-awaited improvement in oil-spill-affected news coverage

Harry Reid changes name to John F Kennedy in last ditch effort to win re-election

White House spokesman Gibbs clarifies why President’s answers to nation’s problems seem surreal, bizarre and inappropriate, by comparing reporter’s question to a purple polka-dotted people-eater riding a tricycle

Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium